The world vs. our experience: our inner representation of world largely determines our experience. How inner representation can be different? Neurological (touch sensitivity finger vs. upper-arm)/Social (language)/Individual (twins).
Three mechanisms that shapes how we experience the world
Generalization: i.e. hot stove is dangerous to touch -> any stove is dangerous to touch
Deletion: selectively pay attention to only certain dimension of experience. I.e. Men complain about his wife doesn’t care for him, but his wife did.
Distortion: Shift our experience in sensory data. I.e. Fantasy, Van Gogh’s sky painting.
Meta-Model
Psycho-therapists have a model to change client’s inner model (meta-model): Introduce changes to client’s models so client have more options.
Language
Meta-Model of language: based on “transformational grammar”.
Tree structure of each sentence: surface vs. deep structure.
Example:
Deep Structure: Joe says Mary hit Sam;
Surface Structure 1: Joe Says Mary hit Sam (Same).
Surface Structure 2: Joe Says Sam was hit by Mary.
When deep structure same & surface structure diff: 把字句与被字句.
Permutation (paraphrase/different order of words) & Deletion operation (delete “something”/”someone” etc.).
Nominalization: Verb <-> Noun.
Presupposition: i.e. “Sam doesn’t realize there’s a cat on the table” -> assumes “there’s a cat on the table”.
World -> Complete Linguistic Representation -> Deep Structure –(transformations)-> Surface Structure.
Synonymy: same deep structure that spins multiple surface structure. Ambiguity: same surface structure that might have multiple deep structure.
Therapist’s role:
For deletion: Help client self-discovery: help find missing parts of the client’s world model
Impoverished model: Client’s model that doesn’t give them enough options.
For distortion: process vs. events
Nominalization: process -> events, i.e. “I really regret my decision.”. Closed/finished event vs. ongoing process.
Also client’s sentence might include “cause and effect” (i.e. Mary makes me mad) or mind-reading (Henry is angry at me).
Other techniques
Enactment (情景重现) – play it out. Make client aware of potential deletions, and all five senses.
Guided fantasy – provide client more experience in certain area, also provide example of contradiction for client’s potentially impoverished model.
Double Binds: example: the client’s problem is “she cannot say no to anyone” (because of childhood trauma). And therapist ask her to “say no to everyone in the room”. If she accept, good; if she doesn’t, she already says no to the therapist, which also is a contradiction of her world view.
This needs some homework.
Other maps for the same territory: example: client says she has “headache” (kinesthetic), ask her to describe the headache visually.
Congruity:
Inconsistent double message example: someone sits calmly in a chair with quiet, controlled voices, and states: “I am really furious, God damn it, I am not going to stand for this.”. This is a good opportunity for therapist to investigate deeper (full model of the client).
Family Therapy: client is entire family. More then family member’s models of himself/herself, but pair-wise + subset interactions.
Representational system
Input channels (analog systems):
Three major: Visual, Audio, Kinesthetics. Two little used: smell & taste.
Language: digital system. Language can map to different representational systems (five senses).
Different people have different “best” representational system (audio vs. visual etc.).
Use “predicates” (verb/adj/adv) to identify someone’s best representational system.
Know the clients’ best representational system & use “their words” – could build trust
Understand: I see/I hear/feel right
Communicate: Show/Listen/In touch
Describe your experience: show me clear picture/tell me more in detail what you’re saying/put me in touch what you’re feeling
LGTM: looks clear to me/sounds good to me/feel good to me
Do you understand?: Do you see/does it sound right/feel right?
Develop client’s senses in other representational system (i.e. develop kinesthetic for visual people).
Enactment: adding several representational system together.
Incongruity
Different representational system have different world models in the same person.
Other output channel: i.e. body language, tonality.
Some school of thoughts thinks when two messages conflict, such as body language vs. language – choose body language as valid.
2. Blamer – disagree/blame/boss. Point finger at people’s mistakes. Voice: hard/tight/sometimes shrill&loud.
Syntactic: all/every/each time; why don’t you? How come you can’t?; Cause-effect violations;
Visual;
3. Computer – correct & reasonable, not showing feeling. Cool/Calm/Collected/Disassociated. Voice is dry monotone, words are abstract. Motionless.
Syntactic: I see; disturbs me; it / one / people; nominalization (frustration/stress/tension);
Auditory;
4. Distracter – words are irrelevant to context. Never make a response to a point. Internally feel dizziness. Purposelessness. Voice – singsong & unfocused.
Syntactic: rapid alternation of first three. Rarely use pronouns.
Representational systems
Cause effect: visual/audio -> Ki; Mind-reading: Ki -> Visual/audio.
Cross-over predicate: See-feeler: i.e. “My son looks so warm”.
Input channel vs. Representational system vs. Output channel
Family Therapy
Pairing Principle: common couple pattern: Visual (Satir-2) + Kino (Satir-1). Each person in couple playing the other’s weaker polarity is a highly stable system.
Child might be confused when parents both “flip to new weaker polarity”. Incongruent, i.e. Kino + Satir-2.
2. Frogs into Princes
同为NLP基础系列，有一些实用性，但是作者的无轨电车行文模式似乎从此开始.
Non-verbal (more refined) -> Verbal:
Where’s intuition from? The volunteer looks up & left.
Remembered vs. constructed images: Up-right, visual memory; Up-left, visual construction.
Pacing& Mirroring – join their world & build rapport
Non-verbal pacing:
Direct mirroring: i.e. breathing rate & depth match those of the target’s breathing
Cross-channel: i.e. hand movement pace your breathing / or my tempo of speaking match your breathing
Pacing & Leading – i.e. author when in hospital, lie down with a patient sleeping on couch, breathing match for 40 mins, then could “pace & lead” via changing breathing rate. This is a “rapport”.
Anchor, i.e. re-access certain experience when setting an anchor (i.e. a touch on a specific body parts)
Future-pacing/bridging: another use of anchor. Use some reality situation as trigger.
Reframing – author thinks reframing can be a medical treatment for psychosomatic problems
3. Reframing – NLP
此书第一章写的超级好(从销售技巧的角度看). 但是第一章之后缺乏足够多的闪光点.
Reframing: 塞翁失马，焉知非福.
Content reframing/relabeling 例子: 治疗对地毯有洁癖的家庭妇女:
1. Close your eyes and see your carpet, that there’s not a single footprint anywhere. Clean & Fluffy, not a mark anywhere. – She felt good.
2. And realize fully that means you’re totally alone, and that people you care for and love are nowhere around. – Emotion shifted radically, she felt terrible.
3. Now put a few footprint there and know that the people you care most about in the world are nearby. – She felt good again.
Reframe – change the meaning of the experience.
Every experience in the world and every behavior is appropriate, given some context/frame.
Unique Internal Context example: he says “I love you” she replies “You son of bitch”.
Example, From: “footprint on carpet means you’re a bad housewife”, To: “Footprint on the carpet means people you love are around, therefore feel good”.
Example: Talk to patient who want to suicide.
Relabel “suicide” as “achieve heaven on earth”. Emphasize/extra force when you say it, to appeal to both left+right brain.
Then approach is there’re other ways to achieve “heaven on earth” than suicide.
Client’s behavior: tighten up at first, then loosens (when reframe works).
病人遇到问题则交感神经活跃（紧张态），问题被成功reframe则副交感神经活跃(放松态) – Example: 病人描述问题时用visual construct方向, 问题解决之后 eye defocused and stare straight ahead.
Sales Example
Client Objection: When someone considers a expensive car too “racy & frivolous”
1. Redefine/reframe the car as something truly conservative, “the safety the speed the good repair record”. Good investment and safety to your life.
2. Create conflict regarding “what people think” – comment a lot of people come here don’t care about what other think.
3. Overcoming price objection: use the fact that more expensive cars can be financed over longer period and thus lower monthly payment.
Use “lawyer/doctor” as high income example – “do you think all doctors/lawyers drive fancy cars just because they’re ostentatious? They do it because they know about money. “
Find out the client’s world model & reframe accordingly. Every objection tells you more about the client’s criteria (info gathering). Sales person needs to pacing & gathering info instead of jumping into sales pitch directly.
作者认为Sales应该: not “take advantge of people” but rather “protect people”. Be referral-driven instead of current-profit-driven.
Good sales person choose smartly when to sell a certain product to a client and when not to. The ones that wasn’t sold, might actually feel good about the seller and refer to their friends via word-of-mouth.
这种long-term benefit of “not selling & earn the profit now”与段永平步步高的长期经营思路很相似.
Door-to-door sales: buyer’s remorse is big. The friend of the buyer will say “You fell for a door-to-door routine?”.
Future-pace tactic: “vaccine it”. Mention the customer the door-to-door sales has a reputation to maintain and says “will tear up the contract if you don’t need it”.
Different “parts” in the same person, i.e. “go out and play” vs. “study”. Negotiation between “parts”.
Part interfering with each other: 精神内耗.
Create new part: envision with audio + visual effects if you’re able to create the part successfully. Find out what existing parts object the new part (and what’s their functions). Use unconscious computing resources to analyze fantasy.
Interesting observation (per author):
Q: How to use reframing for self-growth? A: Use any other predicate but “growth”. People in human potential movement who are really into “growing” have a tendency to get warts/tumors etc. As a hypnotist you can understand how that happens with organ language.
Pseudo-orientation in time: picture yourself three month later, looking at yourself now.
4. Sleight of Mouth – NLP
这本书缺乏”妙手”，概念流于表面. 基本上罗列了NLP的基本概念而没有独特干货.
Framing
Change frame size: i.e. 一城一池之得失 vs. 地球是宇宙中的一粒沙子
Context Refraining: i.e.: raining is good for “dry environment” but bad for “flooding environment”.
Content Refraining: Same content viewed differently from people with different intents.
When buyer’s “enthusiasm score” is 6/10, don’t use 8~9/10 ‘s response, that will break rapport.
From pace to lead: increase tonality’s certainty in the middle.
Pacing: breathing rate / speaking rate / visual to visual, audio to audio etc.
Rapport building by pacing example:
Ask a client a question, observe their tonality/tempo/rhythm/inflection, and use it in discussion with others.
Rapport checking: after pacing, you touch your check leads to target touch theirs.
Representational system matching, example:
Client: “I want to look at some stereos”;
Bad sales: “This one here has really good sound blahblah”;
Good sales: “Hey, have you seen my new stereo, let me show it to you.”
Another example of representational system:
I am “looking for” a new home; I want to “talk about” a new home; I want to “walk thru” a new home;
Rate of speak ~ Speed of info processing in mind
When speaking too fast (than target), buyer feels unnerved unconsciously, thus not feeling good for the proposal.
The things that we really want and buy vs. the things that we really want but didn’t buy are in different places in our mind. (TO BE CONTINUED)
Sales – induce good feeling / induce desire
Self-congruency in inducing good feeling
Build “Yes” response state in prospective buyer
Ask 3 Questions that will result in “Yes”;
Example: customer spend a few thousand extra because they “feel right” about the salesperson & go to the more expensive item.
Before sales pitch, need the target’s attention.
People like to be influenced, for example: “if someone seduces you, if they do it well, you feel good. If they do it poorly, you feel like shit.”
Yourself need to be in a positive state in order to make client in the positive state.
Contract Interrupt Technique : induce trance
Pretend to rip-up the contract:
Effect-1: Grab Attention;
Effect-2: Know whether there’s rapport;
Heart-attack technique:
Suppose you’re the salesperson of a furniture store – pretend you have a heart-attack, have some candy-fake pills on the side. Let customer rescue you, they’re much more likely to buy from you if they “saved” you.
Detect target’s breathing rhythm – look at their chest;
Age Regression technique – invoke the part in customer where they’re teenager, which is just a “wanting consumer”.
Idea – prospecting customers where products are used. I.e. find buyers of jewelry in opera house.
Intonation: question / statement / command.
Handling objections about price too expensive – 指鹿为马能力爆表, 原文:
“What?” “It’s only money. Think about it, it’s only made out of paper, it’s just your hard work flattened out right into a little thing so that you can open it back up into a world of opportunity. Now if you skip all those opportunities and wait until you’re old, you might die and miss them all. It happens. I know people that lived until they were going to retire and when they retired they just ended up leaving their money to ungrateful children. Got teenagers?” That’s the first question I ask people, “You got teenagers?” Cause I know where they live now. I go, “Spend it before they do.” I go, “Just buy everything you can, before it’s too late,” because otherwise . . . you know what happens.
Powerful presentation of words – i.e. “smooth ride” -> “smoooooth ride”.
Install response – i.e. have a really bad smell inside a Volvo car, and when client opens the door & smell it, say name “Volvo”.
Mindset: believe that “you can sell anything to anyone” and “challenge is fun”.
Every client you have trouble with is your university.
Reciprocity of info: every time you ask some question you give back some valuable info, otherwise it’s like an interrogation.
Overcome objections: vaccine (inoculate) against objections in your prior presentation + put a frame around it.
Example: If you wait until these things come around, people will bring them up. But if you know ideas make it so that things are, because “not everything is covered by your insurance. Not everything works either. You see, most insurance is for when things go wrong and you are in pain and get very sick. Do you know there are people that aren’t willing to spend money to have their life be vibrant, they’d rather wait until they get sick. What idiots! Isn’t that the craziest thing you’ve ever heard of? Now what was it you were going to say?”
Pacing – being alike without being noticed (consciously).
I.e. wear the same shirt – too obvious – detected & skeptic.
Leading – make people take the action using carefully engineered words.
Too obvious attempts to build rapport is just suspicious.
This book is using consultative selling model (“new school of selling” per Jordan Belfort).
Author’s pacing is in terms of “Visual/Audio/Kino” matching.
Address a group of audience with unknown representational systems. Use a “V+A+K” mix language.
Author thinks there’s buying formula : the sequential order of representational system. I think this might be “overfitting”.
Mannequin test in command/request
Bad command: “Stop worrying”; Good command: “Focus on what went well today.”
Explicit command tend to make people resist, hide the command by embedding it. Fool the conscious mind to “reduce alert”, and plant message in the unconscious mind.
Embed in negative: “Don’t worry about lay-off” -> worry.
Redirect the attention: “Before you recommand ABC company to your boss, let’s look carefully at…”.
End of letter. Embed a command.
Embed command/message in story/jokes – don’t interpret it.
Mindsets
Toward vs. Away-from
goal/reward vs. problem/risk;
Use different message for toward vs. away from:
Toward – “goal/opportunity”;
Away from – “prevent/avoid”;
Internal vs. External, frame of reference
Internal refer to themselves, External refer to other people’s opinions;
Different message
Internal – don’t tell them what they should do.
External – would you like to talk to our customers? (Support data?)
Options vs. Procedures
Options – enneagram’s type-7, want to have choices.
Msg: There’re several options for you to look at.
Procedures – procedures customer find hard to trust “options” sellers. System driven, roadmaps etc. Safe is good.
Msg: well organize step-by-step proposal. When encounter resistance, stick to plan instead of add features/benefits. “Let me walk you thru the process step-by-step”.
Same vs. Different
When buying a new car, are you more likely to see if its similar to vs. different than your old car?
Four levels: same / same with exception / diff with exception / diff.
Same
Like consistency, Different – like change.
Example : “This looks a lot like the old model”.
Msg for same: example: “While this is a new product, the key components are very similar to what you used before”.
Diff
“Yes but” (your idea may not work).
Example: “Instead of this, let’s try this”.
Msg for diff: example: “This is a completely new approach, very different from what’s done in the past. “
Proactive vs. Reactive
Proactive: want to start things and get outcome. Want to control the world.
“Just do it”.
Msg: How would you like to start? / When will see a result?
Want to start before have enough details.
Reactive: want less visible impact. Appear more patient / methodical. The world controls them.
“Maybe”. “I should sleep on this”.
Msg: “As you think about it, what specific issues do you want to analyze more closely?”
Think more before start.
General vs. Specific
Msg for General: “Overview is this”, “In brief”.
Msg for Specific: “First, … Then, … Next, …”, “Detailed plan in our proposal is this”.
Overcoming Objections – Category of objections
Value of product not seen;
Not in a hurry to change;
No money;
Competition;
Safe decision is no decision;
Future Pacing – Reduce buyer’s remorse, i.e. what might their peer tell them about the purchase.
Telemarketing: you have ~10 seconds to establish rapport (rather than several minutes when in person) – similar to Jordan Belfort’s 4-second rule.
Script: Embedded message, VAK mix.
Add “breath mark” to not use “familiar pattern”. A way to “grab attention”.
7. Figuring out People
这本书一开始非常的学术，但有些分类的细节还是挺有趣也挺有价值的.
Representational Systems: 比如说使用视觉系统的人往往比较干瘦，使用触觉系统的人比较圆润. 所以看到一个干瘦的人用视觉系统的predicate去跟他交流从概率上可能效果比较好 (envision … / imagine / you can see that …). 看到比较圆润的人用触觉系统交流可能效果比较好(you can feel good).
Methodology – people are not nouns but processes.
VAK system:
Remembered vs. External information, External (sensory) vs. Internal
Chunk down (big picture, deductive) vs. Chunk up (detail-oriented, inductive) vs. abductive (think about something by thinking about something else, analogy).
Match vs. Mismatch
Representational system: visual / audio / kino / audio-digital
Too much education more likely result someone to live in world of words (audio-digital) LOL
Tend to: sit up erect, breath high in chest, high tone, move quick. More likely to be thin & lanky.
More likely to want some “space” to envision, when talking with them, give them some room for “seeing”.
Audio:
Tend to: Breath in middle in chest in regular + rhythmic way. Gift of talking, tonality etc. Tend not to look at the person when talking to point ears and hear better. Moderate body-shape, sometimes pear-shaped.
Kino:
Tend to: Breath deeply, move & talk slower, gesture a lot. Heavier body-shape.
Audio-digital:
Cerebral mode, “computer” type in Satir classification. Tend to love lists/criteria/rules etc.
Information Gathering: Up-time (Be present when listening to someone speak, external driven info-gathering, see the person the body language & other cues.) vs. Down-time (internal-driving, assuming the other person’s cues from inside guessing, “blind and deaf” to exterior signal, “zoned-out”/trance state).
Be present vs. Zoned-out
Sensors (more up-time) vs. Intuitors (more down-time)
Black & White (enables quick judgement making/decisive) vs. Continuum (fewer judgements/indecisive)
Continuum: tend to talk about gray areas, when used in extreme, be indecisive by “yes, but”.
Black & White: decisive, lower tolerance, tend to be dogmatic/perfectionist.
When under stress, people tend to go to “black & white” state (fight/flight, 危急关头的杀伐决断) -> might lead to “all or nothing” survivalist thinking.
Children tend to start at “black & white” stage of thinking (“Concrete thinking stage”). When growing up, more “continuum”.
Best-case (optimist) vs. Worst-case thinking (pessimist)
Pessimist: career will be good as QA / proofreader / trouble-shooting expert. In extreme, become “helpless” state.
Optimist: good at catch & present vision, 画饼, empowerment. In extreme, become “problem denier”.
Permeable vs. Impermeable: can their idea/thinking be changed?
Indication: words of sureness, “absolutely” / “without question” etc.;
Must / Can’t （Impermeable） vs. Can / May （Permeable）
Focus: Screener vs. Non-Screener – screen out environment input stimuli or not?
Example: can you study everywhere or you find some places too noisy? How distractible are you when reading?
Non-Screener: no filter on environmental inputs. See / Hear without shutting out unimportant stimuli. More likely to be “overloaded with stimuli / distracted”. More emotionally “sensitive”. Higher empathy level, less ability to handle stressful situation.
Value: Quiet / Peace / Comfort. “Noise distracts me etc.”
Screener: automatically ranks priority of input stimuli, easier to achieve focus. To extreme, can appear non-attentive, “zoned-out” / uncaring. Autism at most extreme.
Value: Adventure / Novel / Excitement of new places.
Highly aroused people tend to have cold feet/cold hands due to blood not in capillaries there.
Children begin as “non-screener” and learn to screen later.
Why vs. How:
Why (philosopher) – gains mastery of subject via understanding its past & source.
How (pragmatist) – use & purpose of the subject.
Static vs. Process
Static (Aristotelian) – use “is” mindset for reality. i.e. “She is stupid.”
Process (Non-Aristotelian) – dynamic mindset for reality. Verbs instead of Nouns.
Verbal (Digital) vs. Non-Verbal (Analog)
Verbal – what they say, trusts more of the language.
Non-Verbal – how they say it, better people watcher.
Perfectionism: focus on end-product, less process. End goal super high, constantly frustrated. Harsh judgement for anything fall short of the goal. Often use procrastination as protection.
Too much future orientation (future pacing yourself). Can lead to burnout.
Perfectionist starts projects well, but encounter frustration in some flaw in the middle. Likes end product but blocks themselves to get there.
Optimization: more pragmatic. “When planning vacation, enjoy the packing as much as the vacation”.
Extreme one can have too much positive thinking to deny any problems.
Optimizer progress better. Produce higher results of excellence than optimist.
Defeatist & Realist (omitted)
Response Meta-programs
Manager vs. Team-player vs. Independent
Three questions:
1. Do you know what you need in order to function successfully at this work?
2. Do you know what someone else need to feel/function more successfully?
3. Do you find it easy/difficult to tell the person what he/she needs to succeed?
Manager – yes to all three;
Independent – Yes, No, No.
Others Only (Dependent workers) – No, Yes, ?. Need to wait for others to tell them what to do.
Potential Manger – Yes, ?, No.
Team Player – ?, ?, ?
Knowledge source – what’s the most knowledge source with highest authority for the person?
